Current mood:	relaxed
Current music:	Everlast-White Trash Beautiful

Have you ever?
Have you ever just looked at everything around you, all the buildings, the people, the situations, and the world in general and said to yourself "i just wanna walk off w/o telling anyone." Ever done that? i find myself doing it sometimes. i know why, too, i think. Least, i'm pretty sure i know why. Not absolutely positive, though. Not with that.

But more or less, i figure it has to do with the way things are going for me right now. i mean, it's all cool 'n' stuff, but sometimes, i just wanna walk somewhere nu. Somewhere that i've seen in my dreams that probably doesn't exist in this reality anymore. A place w/o hate, depression, drama, or cancer. Where no one will talk about you behind you're back, call you a hurtful name, or knock you over without any thought of it. Little towns like in the movies. That's where i wanna live. Where i can sit on the porch, fiddle with a git-box for hours on ed w/o playin' a coherent song, laugh with the homies, drink good irish beer, start a bar fight w/o fear that some dummy is gonna stab my black ass, and smoke all day w/o coughing up a lung.

i'M pretty tormented. By the world at large and lack of such a place as i have described.

i haven't cried in a really long time. Las time i cried, i do believe i truly lost my innocence. Not my virginity, no, that doesn't equal innocence. Last time i cried, i bawl. i was betrayed and i still don't understand why. iT was by a woman. One that i loved. i did. Even after she done what she done, but it just wasn't the same. i can't look at her picture now. Not w/o wanting to ask why. i know even i asked her, i'd never get a good enough answer. iT's been a year now. Still hurts when i think about it.

i see all these kids around me. i kinda doubt some of them will ever get to the same kinda mind set i'm in. Juice is the only guy i know who's got it dead on. 'course, the pair of us got a lot more in common than most of these kids. On a lotta different levels. iT doesn't upset me that the 'rats won't ever see things the way i do, except for Juice and maybe Joe. Weird that it works out like that, huh?

Have you ever wanted one thing in your life more than anything in the world that actually has nothing to do with yourself directly? i do. i have for a very long time. i want everyone else to be as calm and...iunno...happy? As i am. iS that the word i wanna use here? Am i really all that happy? Yeah, i am.

i think i finally am happy as i was before i lost my tears. Before i felt real pain. Before i wanted to leave Earth on a cosmic journey.

i know who's responsible for it, too. Bunch o' people. Friends that have quickly turn into family for me. The 'rats who show their love for me and everyone else. Few in particular. Mel. Hannah. Joe. Juice. Dylan. Graham (yes, Graham, too).

i think about these people i got around me now and i don't wanna walk away from them. i did it once, which was a huge mistake. Even if most of them will never see what really goes on in my headmeaties of tasteyness. i love them all. And i don't wanna leave it.

Still want that little town for us all to live in, though.

3d